Canon Fire!
by a certain slant of light
Summary: Ever wonder what Yuki and Kyo think about all this yaoi fanfic nonsense? The cast of Furuba takes a peek at Shigure's laptop and discovers our very own Fan Fiction Dot Net. A parody involving discovery, canon, and crack pairings. Woo!
1. Tch, SO Not Canon, Guys

**Author's Note:** Wow, I haven't written a parody since I wrote the parody of Bowling for Soup's "1985" to fit the Final Fantasy X-2 universe. But this was way too fun to not do. Come on, you'd be freaked out too. There will be another chapter after this one. :3

**Info, yo:** In case anyone has trouble figuring it out, this is what it all means:

Carrot top/Orange haired/Cat: Kyo  
Effeminate/Feminine/Prince/Rat: Yuki  
Worrisome/Concerned/High/Sincere: Tohru  
Spooky/Ghostly/Corpselike/Hollow/Gothic: Hanajima  
Blonde/Yankee: Uotani  
Young/Merry/Happy/At computer: Momiji

**Read this:** This isn't directed at anyone in particular, and it isn't meant to offend anyone. It's a work of parody and satire, and is meant to make you giggle. I hope it accomplishes its goal.

**Disclaimer:** Fruits Basket its respective characters, settings, etc. copyright Natsuki Takaya.

* * *

"Canon Fire!"

It was a rainy Saturday afternoon, dismal as could be. Inside a rather large house on an even larger plot of land (well, we should hope so), were more than a few irate teenagers.

"Damn rain," muttered an orange haired one, his frustrated words almost incoherent.

"Don't blame it on the weather," came a boy's effeminate voice.

"Yeah, Kyon-kichi, what's got you so down? Sad because you can't go to the hair salon and get your dye job redone?" chided a girl with long blonde hair.

"Shut up, Yankee! You're so… annoying…" muttered the orange one, his voice gradually losing its vigor.

"His aura is unusually calm," a hollow, ghostly tone remarked.

"Then why isn't he more bearable, Hana-chan?" asked the blonde.

"I'm afraid the cat suffers from an inborn illness called stupidity," said the feminine boy.

"You're suffering from an illness, Kyo-kun!" asked a high voice, laced with concern and alarm. "Will you be all right? Should I call Hatori-san!"

"You're so stupid," muttered the carrot top. "He was kidding. Damn rat."

"Don't call Tohru-kun stupid, Kyon-Kyon," said the blonde menacingly.

"You're just as stupid as she is, Yankee."

"You wanna go?" yelled the Yankee.

"Calm down, Arisa-san," said the monotonous, corpselike voice in a tone that most wouldn't consider soothing. "We should all find something else to do, since we cannot play badminton."

"Badminton was a stupid idea," complained the orange haired boy.

"Just stop talking," said the feminine one.

"For once, I agree with the prince," said the blonde.

"I know!" said a young, merry voice, as if it had just appeared in the room. "Shigure-san left his computer! Let's go use it!"

"That's a stupid idea," complained the orange haired boy. Ignoring him, all the others agreed that it was, in fact, a pretty all right idea.

As they entered the next room with exaggerated stealth, the youngest, merriest one of the group crept up to the laptop. Tentatively, he flipped it open. The bright screen illuminated the dark room.

"I guess it was already on," stated the carrot top.

"Brilliant deduction," replied the prince.

"Maybe we shouldn't be doing this?" said the high voice, erratic with worry. "Won't Shigure-senpai be mad? What if someone catches us? We shouldn't be doing this!"

"Shut up, you're worse than Ritsu," scolded the cat.

"I'm sorry!" apologized the girl.

"You shouldn't apologize, Honda-san," said the effeminate one, exasperated.

"And stop flailing, Tohru-kun," said the spooky voice.

"I'm sorry!" the girl apologized again.

The computer clicked as the youngest one pressed a button. "Ooh, looks like Shigure-san was on a site called 'Fan Fiction Dot Net'."

The blonde leaned over. "What's fanfiction?"

"I've heard about it before," said the young one, "from some kids at school. It's when people write stories about things like manga and T.V. shows and stuff. A bunch of kids in my class like to read ones about Mogeta."

"Frickin' Mogeta," grumbled carrot top.

"What's the page he's on? 'Fruits Basket'? What's a fruits basket?" asked the blonde.

"It's improper grammar, is what it is," the effeminate one told her.

"I'm sensing strange vibes," the gothic voice said. "They seem to be emanating from that computer."

"Look, Kyo-kun's name is in the description for one of these stories! Tohru-kun's and Yuki-kun's too!" exclaimed the excited young voice.

"What the hell?" asked the cat. "People are writing stories about me?"

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" the blonde suddenly burst into laughter. "Oh, that's freaking great!"

"What is it, Uo-chan?" asked the worrisome voice.

The blonde knelt over, clutching her stomach as tears began to stream down her face from the force of her giggling. "One… o-one of them h-has Ky-Kyon-kichi in l-love with Yuki-kun!" she managed to say between gasps.

The rat and the cat both paled.

"As if!" shouted carrot top, face flushed. "Like I would ever! That's sick! That's just GOD DAMN **SICK!**"

"You think I'm happy about it!" shouted the effeminate voice.

"Actually," said the young voice, "a lot of them seem to have you two in love."

"Is there something you aren't telling us?" said the blonde, still laughing rather hard.

Meanwhile, the worrisome girl's head was swirling as she fainted to the floor at the mere possibility of such a crack pairing.

"Honda-san!" exclaimed the prince.

"She's fine," cooed the ghostly girl.

"You have nothing to worry about," said the happy voice at the computer. "You guys totally aren't canon."

There was a long pause before… "What?" asked everyone simultaneously.

The young boy shrugged. "Never mind. Hey, look, this one says that Uo-chan loves Kyo-kun!"

The blonde immediately stopped giggling and stared at the happy boy. "What?"

"Not so funny now, is it, Yankee!" yelled the cat.

"Like I'd ever want to be with someone as _thick _as you!" defended the blonde.

"Like I'd ever want to be with someone as bitchy as _you!"_ replied the orange haired boy.

"You wanna go? Let's go! Right here, right now, Kyon-Kyon!" challenged the girl.

"Calm yourself, Arisa-san," soothed the gothic one.

"And don't call me 'Kyon-Kyon'!" snapped Kyon-Kyon.

"This one says Hana-chan loves Ha'ri!" the happy boy piped up.

"Who is Ha'ri?" asked the ghostly girl.

"But I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home and bake cookies with Dick Cheney," mumbled the worrisome girl as she came to.

"Are you all right, Honda-san?" asked the prince.

The sincere girl realized where she was. "Oh, Yuki-kun, I'm fine! A-and, you know, i-if you and Kyo-kun really feel that way about each other, I-I wish you the b-best! R-really!" she said, blushing madly.

"We do not!" the cat and the rat yelled in unison. The concerned girl sighed in relief, sweat dancing on her brow.

"What's a transsexual?" asked the merry boy. The others all turned and stared.

"… Why?" asked the feminine boy tentatively.

"This one says that Akito-san's a transsexual," explained the boy.

There was a short pause before the cat and the rat both burst into laughter.

"This one's about Uo-chan trying to kill herself," remarked the happy boy curiously.

"No, Uo-chan! Don't do that! Are you all right! If you ever need to talk about anything, I'm here! Please don't kill yourself!" shouted the worrisome girl over the two boys' raucous laughter.

"Tch, like I'd ever be that emo," remarked the blonde dryly.

"I'm sorry, what?" asked carrot top. "I couldn't hear you from behind your sideswept hair. Hey, do you have the new Hawthorne Heights CD? I'd love to borrow it. I ran out of razors and unfortunately the jagged edges of my sorrow aren't enough to pierce the supple skin of my wrist."

"Tohru-kun, stop flailing," reprimanded the spooky girl, ignoring the others.

"There's one written all about Tohru-kun, Uo-chan and Hana-chan," said the boy, changing topics.

"Really?" asked the worrisome girl who wanted to bake cookies with Smurfette.

"Yeah, it's called 'High School Girls' and it's written by dogman69. What does 'rated M' mean?" asked the boy.

Everyone else in the room paled.

"I'm gonna kill him! That bastard!" screeched the cat as the rat's expression quickly changed into one that could kill.

"That damn pervert!" cursed the blonde girl, pulling a lead pipe out of Hammerspace and preparing to smash the laptop to itty bitty pieces that would represent the itty bitty pieces she was going to smash Shigure into.

"What's everyone so angry about?" asked the concerned girl, completely oblivious to the innuendo currently smothering the room.

Just as the blonde was about to strike the computer, the prince's voice cut in, cool as ice, "I've got a better idea."

As the others crowded around to listen, a plan began to form. Had you been there, you would have heard them whispering things such as, "and then we psst psst," and "so the plan is psst psst," and it would have been quite informative indeed.


	2. A Fanfic of Epic Proportions

**Author's Note:** Just a reminder: Keep in mind that this is a parody. If you don't, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Oh, and Shigure. You can blame everything on him. On another note, this conclusionary (that's a word now) chapter is written in a much different style than the introductory one. Why? 'Cause I felt like it. Enjoy the thrilling conclusion!

** Disclaimer:** Fruits Basket its respective characters, settings, etc. copyright Natsuki Takaya.

* * *

"Canon Fire!" 

Stepping into his home and relieved that it had actually stayed intact that day, Shigure sighed happily.

"Anyone hoooome?" he yelled in a singsong manner.

No one replied, which made the dog equal parts relieved and disappointed. Shrugging it off, he placed his suit jacket on a hook near the door and removed his shoes, stepping into a pair of slippers. He sauntered into his room, whistling a happy tune, and flicked on the lights. He wasted no time changing into a kimono. He hugged it to his body; his kimono was his second skin.

Running a hand through his hair, he decided to unwind by spending some time on the computer. Sitting down, he contemplated having a paragraph-long monologue of him thinking about where he had been so the people reading this would know, but decided he was a big fan of plot holes and left it at that. Had he gone to a spa? Was he consorting with surly hookers? Maybe he had gone to play squash with Hatori? Shigure supposed we'd never know. Oh, that silly man, how he loves to keep us guessing.

Flipping open his computer, a shiny new Mac iBook which he considered to be pretty damn spiffy, Shigure checked his e-mail. It was filled with page upon page of frantic messages from his near and dear editor, Mitchan.

"Oh, Mitchan," Shigure sighed dramatically, grinning like the devil, "you silly little editor, you." Moving on, he decided it was high time to visit his favorite website: Fan Fiction Dot Net. Arriving at his destination, he quickly logged in.

"E-mail: dogman69 at hotmail dot com," he said aloud, a habit he had. "Password: ayamesboytoy."

Checking his profile and scrolling down, he was happy to see he had received some reviews for his latest story. "Ah, more adoring fans!" He quickly read them all, grin growing wider and wider:

_omfg this story rox ur the best!_

_I luved this story it was grate! really hot with a capital HOT hahaha!1_

_Wow. I really doubt that Uo and Tohru would randomly make out in a hot spring. I especially doubt that Hana keeps the Yuki Club girls in her basement for whenever she gets her sadomasochistic lesbian urges. This story is horrible. You're going to burn in canon hell._

Shigure didn't particularly like the last one.

Nonetheless, the dog was satisfied with the day's intake of reviews and decided it was time to do some light reading before heading over the Adult Fan Fiction Dot Net, where he had built quite an avid fanbase (despite the website's horrible layout).

Clicking on the anime and manga section, Shigure's cursor, through force of habit, quickly flew to the Fruits Basket link. He remembered being quite disturbed by it at first, but he soon grew to like it. He wondered now if he could ever live without it.

Scrolling up and down the page a few times for seemingly no reason, Shigure finally arrived at the top. Checking the new stories (of which there were many), he found one all about him.

"Hmm, 'The Tale of Shigure Sohma' by bastardbeater03, eh? Sounds like a winner!" He swiftly clicked the link and began to read, eager to find out how he was personified this time. "I wonder what hot chick I get paired up with this time?" Or… eager to find out that.

The dog's trained eyes began to fly over the words:

_One day, in a world not very different from yours, there was a man named Shigure. This man had a terrible curse beset upon him._

"Yes, play up the angst. People love that!" encouraged Shigure as he read.

_This man, whenever hugged by a member of the opposite sex, would turn into a dog. Yes, a dog._

"Yes, play up the dog factor. People love cute dogs."

_Not even a cute dog._

Shigure frowned.

_A sniveling, mangy, slobbering, hideous dog that shed its oily fur everywhere. It was actually kind of sick._

"What!"

_In any case, Shigure was a cursed man. This cursed man lived in a house with a few other cursed people, and some not so cursed. They were all lovely, beautiful people with great personalities and even better hair. Even their Zodiac forms were eye-catchingly stunning. Unlike Shigure's. You know, the dog? The **ugly dog?**_

"What the hell!" he yelled in alarm, but kept reading.

_I say "you know" because you might have forgotten him. He's not that memorable. Just kind of… mangy. Who were we talking about again?_

_Oh, yeah, the mutt. One day, Shigure decided to go on an epic quest to become less scathingly disgusting. Seriously, he was so hideous it made you want to scratch your eyes out. He didn't like that, so he quested. He journeyed high and low, above hills and within valleys; he jumped over crags and swam through oceans. Oceans of molten lava. Molten lava and fleas. Even the fleas didn't want him._

_In any case, Shigure did not undergo this epic adventure alone. He took with him two friends. No, seriously, he actually did have friends. Don't ask me why. He took with him Ayame (who actually was just as not great as Shigure and therefore was questing for the same redemption), and Hatori. Hatori was all right._

_Eventually, they found themselves at their destination. It was a wondrous land filled with faeries and unicorns. It was also filled with beautiful, nubile young nymphs. It was the great and fabled Kingdom of High School Girls._

"Finally, things are getting good!" Shigure rubbed his hands together in anticipation.

_It was Shigure's goal to find the rulers of this land and ask them to grant him anything even slightly reminiscent of attractiveness. Because he had none. Because he was the dog. **The ugly dog.** He decided that should he wind up sleeping with some painfully hot women on the way, it would merely be another trial of his quest. A very gratifying trial._

Shigure grinned, feeling as if the story was about to head to greener pastures.

_But that never happened because Shigure was so gut wrenchingly repulsive and perverted that anything with a double X chromosome stayed as far away from him as possible._

The dog frowned again.

_On the way to the castle, Shigure and Ayame lost Hatori, for he was actually pretty good looking so he got all the chicks._

_"Lucky bastard," said Shigure, exhausting his only line of dialogue in the entire story. He only got one because no one really cares what he has to say._

_Arriving at the great fortress, Shigure and his slightly (only slightly) less grotesque companion entered. There they were greeted by the three empresses: Empress Tohru Honda, ruler of the Sea of Sincerity; Empress Uotani Arisa, ruler of the Meadows of Menace; and Empress Hanajima Saki, ruler of the Valley of Vibes. Next to them were the three emperors: Emperor Kyo Sohma, ruler of the River of Rage; Emperor Yuki Sohma, ruler of the Abyss of Apathy; and Emperor Momiji Sohma, ruler of the Glade of Glee. Even though Yuki was an emperor, everyone called him prince. Because that's simply **the way things are.**_

_Before Shigure's companion, Ayame, had time to utter a word, Emperor Yuki condemned him to spending an eternity of making clothes for drag queens. For some reason, this pleased Ayame more than had the royals made him less repulsive. No one dared ask why as he skipped off into the sunset, needle and thread in one hand, large satchel of sequins in the other._

_In the meantime, Shigure stepped up and appealed to the royals. Sadly, he couldn't keep his dirty mouth shut and wound up muttering something akin to, "you three are looking especially make-outty tonight" to the empresses. Suddenly, they realized who he was, and banished him from the Kingdom of High School Girls to forever live his life in the Bogs of Unruly Perverts Who Smell Like Rotten Lettuce._

_Oh, I'm sorry, do you remember who we're talking about? It was Shigure. The **hideous dog.**_

_The end._

Shigure was fuming. "They can't just do that!" He scrolled down to the author's note and read it, trying to see how the writer justified calling him an ugly mutt.

_For all inquiries, see profile. That means you, Shigure._

Suddenly, Shigure's rage turned into shock. "That's a little creepy…" he muttered, but clicked the link nonetheless. He scanned the profile.

_Hey, ya dirty pervert. Like the tale? There's plenty more where that came from if you don't stop being a pedophilic creep. I think we really captured your essence, don't you?_

_Sincerely,_

_Kyou, Yuki, Uo, Hana, Momiji, and (reluctantly) Tohru_

Shigure's jaw dropped.

"I think Uo-chan could be a professional writer!" chirped Momiji from the doorway. "Just like Gure-san!"

Shigure's head swiveled to see all six teenagers standing in his doorway. "How long have you been standing there?"

"The entire time," said Yuki nonchalantly.

"The rain stopped!" exclaimed Tohru, clapping her hands in utter delight.

"Let's go play badminton!" suggested Momiji.

"That's a stupid idea," grumbled Kyo but went along with it anyway, in traditional Kyo fashion. As Tohru and Momiji walked down the hall excitedly, the others waited, still grinning at Shigure.

"Shigure-san, about your fanfiction 'High School Girls'," Hanajima began, tone flat as that of a corpse, "I don't only keep girls in my basement."

The psychic walked away nonchalantly, leaving the dog to wonder the seriousness of her statement, and then was followed by Yuki.

"Yeah, ya sexist," said Uo before walking off.

"I'm still gonna beat the crap out of you," Kyo leered, following suit and leaving a completely shocked, irrevocably surprised and all around _totally_bewildered Shigure to ponder what had just taken place.

As everyone got their things together to leave, they began reflecting once again on the fanfiction that had been written about them.

"You sure there's nothing you want to share with us about Yuki-kun, Kyon-Kyon?" Uotani nudged him the ribs.

"Shut up, Yankee!"

"Yeah, besides, Kyo-kun's in love with Uo-chan!" Momiji laughed.

"Who tried to off herself, apparently," muttered Yuki.

"I couldn't think of two more incompatible people," Hanajima remarked, tying her shoe.

Tohru laughed with wonderful merriment before looking around. "Where _are _Kyo-kun and Uo-chan?"

The others looked for quite a while before they gave up and decided to play badminton with just four people. Little did they know that they would find both Kyo and Uotani hours later, feverishly making out on the roof.

Hey, sometimes good things come of bad fanfiction.


End file.
